When is yelling not yelling?
“Stop Yelling at Me!”
Have you ever uttered those words? Or ever had anyone say them to you?
And the response (yours or theirs) is a surprised and defensive…
“I’m not yelling.”
Yelling seems straightforward, yet it can be nuanced.
Yelling is defined by a loud or raised voice, most often associated with someone angry or scared. But sometimes it may feel like someone is yelling when they have not raised their voice.
Often the perception of yelling is a result of the tone and intensity of what is being said.
I learned an interesting fact many years ago that relates to this. Both birds and mammals recognize a growl as a danger or threat sound – no matter what species it comes from. The tone of a growl (lower or deeper) is interpreted as threatening. Volume often indicates the intensity or severity of the threat, but not always.
This relates to our human interpretation of someone yelling. Typically, it’s about a loud, raised voice. But sometimes a deeper voice with intensity produces the same “threat” response. When someone is passionate about a topic and really trying to emphasize their point, they may become very intense, and their voice may get deeper.
If this is also layered over a topic that is sensitive to the listener, or in a situation where there is a perception of power imbalance (real or perceived) it is easy for the listener’s brain to interpret a deep, intense voice as yelling.
I had an example of this working with a woman and her adult son. It was a conversation about a topic that was an ongoing point of friction between them. The woman was very passionate about what she was saying which resulted in her leaning toward her son and speaking in a deep and intense tone.
The son’s response was to lean as far away from her as he could as he defensively and emphatically said “Stop Yelling at Me!”
The mother was confused, as she had not raised her voice and wasn’t angry. She responded in a slightly hurt yet also defensive tone, “I’m not yelling.” (Although at that point her voice did get slightly louder as she felt the need to defend herself.)
It was at this point that I intervened, redirected the mother’s focus and energy, breaking the intensity and allowing both individuals to relax, breathe, and regroup….and ultimately resolve this ongoing friction and resolve the communication and create new agreements.
This example illustrates how a combination of factors result in a perceived threat, and yelling, when a real threat didn’t exist. It also shows how this type of a ‘yelling/not yelling’ situation can so quickly escalate.
The factors contributing to perceived yelling in this example are:
- A topic that someone is passionate about.
- A deeper tone
- Intensity
- A topic that has caused friction in the past
- A power imbalance
- Leaning into another person’s space
The result was the listener feeling yelled at.
The defensive “Stop yelling!” response triggered a defensive response in return.
Without intervention, or self-awareness of at least one of the involved people, this quickly escalates into an argument, hurt feelings, and ultimately a damaged relationship.
So, how do you break this cycle?
When you hear someone say, “Stop Yelling at Me!” and you don’t think you are yelling, try to figure out what might have triggered that response for them.
- Were you intense?
- Were you leaning into their personal space?
- It is a topic that has caused friction between you in the past?
- It is a topic that has upset the other person before?
- Is there a potential power imbalance (parent:child, boss:employee, teacher:student, etc)
You can also do this if feel like someone is yelling at you. If their response is “I’m not yelling,” use these same questions to see if you may have gotten triggered when it isn’t necessary.
Our instinct brains are programmed to protect us – and sometimes they try a bit too hard.
You can pause, reassess, and if you decide there’s no actual threat…. Tell your instinct brain “I’ve got this; take a break.” Then regroup and choose a new way to respond.
I know this can be a tricky skill to learn, and like any other skill – it takes practice. If you want help navigating this, reach out and let’s talk – this is where I can help you. Email me at [email protected] or book a complimentary get-to-know-each other call on my website https://lionesscommunication.com/complimentary-consultation/.
