“Why” is a word that can be very useful but can also be very triggering.
Let’s explore what led to “why” becoming a triggering word.
In English class they often teach the 5W’s and H – a set of questions designed to assess the details of any given situation. They are most often used by journalists to gather the details of a story they are working on. The same questions can be used by anyone to assess most situations, from planning work projects to researching a topic, to understanding how something occurred or determining how something went wrong (at home or at work).
The 5 W’s and H are:
- Who… (is involved? is most affected by this? Will benefit in the end?
- What… (is happening? is the goal?)
- Where… (is it happening? will we presenting?)
- When… (is it happening? is it due? did it first occur?)
- Why… (is it happening? is it important? did we choose this?)
- How… (is it happening? is this useful? did our plan work?)
Clearly, “why” is a useful word for gathering information.
Unfortunately, it is also used in an almost rhetorical, condescending way as well, most often in the workplace – and this has led to “why” becoming a triggering word.
Example:
A supervisor asks their employee “Why did you do it that way?” in reference to a project they are working on or have completed.
This can be interpreted in very different ways, depending on the situation, the circumstances, the people involved and their history together, the tone of voice and body language of the supervisor, the employee’s experience being on the receiving end of this type of question with other supervisors or family members, etc.
Interpretation 1:
(Supervisor poses the question in a curious, open tone of voice with open, receptive body language; employee has good, secure relationship with their supervisor)
Employee shares their thought process with their manager to help them understand how and why they arrived at the conclusion or outcome. Employee is open to suggestions for improvement.
Interpretation 2:
(Supervisor poses the question in a curious, open tone of voice with open, receptive body language; employee has history with previous supervisor or family member who was hyper-critical)
Employee feels defensive, but slightly confused – answers with quick explanation in a slightly defensive tone. (Alternatively, they may become super defensive, at which point the supervisor can clarify intent: I appreciate what you’ve done. You approach things very differently than I do and I want to improve my skills by learning from your thought process and approach.)
Interpretation 3:
(Supervisor poses the question in a sarcastic and condescending tone with hostile, mildly aggressive body language; employee has had good supervisors in the past and “why” is viewed as simple information gathering)
Employee feels defensive, but slightly confused – answers with quick explanation in a slightly defensive tone. (Alternatively, the employee may default to helpful… or default to very defensive if the hostility hits their subconscious as an attack.)
Interpretation 4:
(Supervisor poses the question in a sarcastic and condescending tone with hostile, mildly aggressive body language; employee has history with previous supervisor or family member who was hyper-critical)
(This is the scenario most likely to trigger a survival response – fight or flight, freeze or fawn)
- Fight – Employee gets defensive and argumentative, possibly loud. May justify their decision with knowledge and expertise, sometimes attempting to insult supervisor’s skills or knowledge. Might trigger a disciplinary action in response. May justify their decision with knowledge and expertise.
- Flight – Employee may back away, attempt to leave the room, deflect and redirect their supervisor’s focus. Defensive words like – “I was just doing what you asked.”
- Freeze – Employee tunes out, eye’s glaze. Their brain seems to have shut off, they might stammer or flounder in giving a response.
- Fawn – Employee likely to twist themselves in proverbial knots trying to appease the supervisor; may justify their decision with knowledge and expertise.
Examples of BAD “why” – while not inherently bad or wrong, they are easy to misinterpret intention.
- Why did you do it that way?
- Why did you do that?
- Why did you start that?
- Why did you say that?
- Why is that important?
- Why are you focusing on that?
Alternatives to “why” that will get a more productive response and avoid triggering people include: Key Phrase – Help me understand.
- I’m intrigued by what you’ve done – I don’t think I would have thought of doing it that way. I’m always open to new ways of looking at things. Would you walk me through your thought process?
- You approach things very differently than I do. What was your thought process, so I can learn from it?
- I appreciate your initiative. What inspired you to start working on that project?
- I like to understand how things relate to desired goals and outcomes. I’m not as familiar with this piece. How does it contribute to the bigger goal?
Here are some useful questions to ask yourself, or keep in mind, when approaching someone for clarity, understanding or gathering information:
- What is the goal or outcome I’m hoping for?
- Is my attitude, tone of voice and body language reflecting curiosity?
- Is there a simple phrase I can lead with to set the tone of curiosity?
- Based on previous interactions with this person, are there topics or approaches that seem triggering for them?
- Can I create 3 different versions of my question so I have alternatives as backup if the first version upsets them?
Remember, we are all human – we do the best we can with what we know, and we can’t anticipate everything.
Misunderstandings are going to happen. The key is to try and anticipate and prevent them as much as possible and learn how to regroup in the moment to clear then up as quickly as possible. This comes with awareness and practice.
If you want help learning and practicing, that’s where I come in – let’s talk. https://lionesscommunication.com/complimentary-consultation/
