Body language is a key component of our communication. It is something we hear a lot about, and yet often are not consciously aware of, or don’t fully understand. Sometimes our subconscious notices signals that our conscious brain doesn’t. Sometimes the signals are clear and obvious. Sometimes they are clear, but subtle. Sometimes they are very nuanced and need to be interpreted with detailed context to get an accurate message. Sometimes the signals we get are mixed.
And sometimes it’s a super-subtle, brief tension of “I haven’t decided if I’m okay with that yet.” If you notice that quick subtle tension and ease back, pause, and allow space to process, sometimes that “not sure” becomes a “why not.” And sometimes it may become a “nope.”
This applies in all areas of life but is particularly important to read and understand accurately in the dating world, so I’m going to use that arena for illustrating the idea. So often the messages that are taught don’t match – and often conflict.
- Men and boys are often told that women and girls say ‘no’ when they really mean ‘yes,’ and therefore they need “convincing.”
- Women and girls are often taught that men and boys are “only after one thing (sex),” and thus really can’t be trusted. This results in the message that women and girls should resist and say “no” (even when they might want to say yes).
Small wonder these conflicting messages give mixed signals! We’ve been taught that ‘no’ doesn’t mean no, and it’s not okay to say ‘yes’ happily and enthusiastically when we mean yes!
The solution as I see it is two-fold.
First, learn to use words to be clear, and make the words and the intention behind the words match. Express your interest in trying or doing something and ask if the other person would be interested. Allow space for them to actually THINK about the question before they respond. Don’t get defensive if they pause a beat or two to check in with themselves before they answer. Both parties involved in the interaction need to honor and respect the answer. If the “no” you hear seems like it might want to be a yes, then invite them to change their mind. “I hear and respect your no, and if you change your mind, let me know – I would be an enthusiastic yes!”
My very first boyfriend (many years ago) asked me, before our very first kiss, if it would be okay for him to kiss me. He had been paying attention to my body language, so he probably had a good sense that I would be a ‘yes,’ and he still asked! It felt a little strange in the moment (after all, asking isn’t ‘romantic’ – in the movies no one asks first!), but it was a great feeling to be asked! It made it clear that words, and mutual comfort, respect, and decision making were always a part of our relationship. It’s probably a big part of why we stayed friends, even after our ‘young love’ feelings passed.
The second part is learning to accurately read the subtle cues. If you try for the next phase of the interaction (casually draping your arm across the sofa behind them) and they tense up – even a little – back off. Watch to see if they relax. Do they subtly angle their body toward you, or shift slightly toward you? If they do, then in a little bit you might try the same ‘escalation’ again. If they don’t tense up again – congratulations! You gave them the space to decide they were a ‘yes.’ If they tense up again – back off. That’s as far as they are comfortable with for now. Respect that and enjoy where you are. (You could even go back to the last line of part one!)
Everyone wins when we learn to correctly read each other’s body language, and inquire politely and curiously if something is possible, without attachment to the outcome.
Can you WANT a different outcome? Sure! Absolutely!
But being ATTACHED to one specific outcome doesn’t allow space for a different outcome to be OK. It creates pressure, resentment, frustration, and hurt feelings. And it doesn’t allow space of alternative outcomes that might be as good or better, and are just different.
Leave space for:
“I’m not up for that, but what about this?”
OR
“Not now, but likely later”
AND …. “I’m not at all interested” is a valid answer.
Human relating is tricky and subtle and nuanced…
And it is also delightful and rich and delicious!
Get good at the language of communication, and there is so much available for a wonderful experience in your game called life!
Getting good at navigating and accurately reading non-verbal communication opens up all the richness of the human experience. If you want help with your communication fluency, reach out and let’s talk.
