Communication and De-Escalation
Communication can get Ugly.
We’ve all been there.
Sometimes it starts simple and takes a sudden turn.
Sometimes it blindsides you out of nowhere at hurricane levels.
However it happens, when communication gets ugly it is no fun.
Strong emotion triggers instinctive responses in the primitive part of our human brains. Happy emotions don’t tend to cause us problems, but unhappy ones often do.
It can be hard to recover when someone has an upset response, whether it is you or someone else. There are some key concepts to remember and skills to practice.
First and foremost…BREATHE!!
I know, I know…it sounds trite and overused, but it is used often for a reason… it works.
Deep breaths help to settle your nervous system. It allows you to recover from the instinctive fight or flight response and start using your thinking, logic brain again. And you will need that part of your brain to find a way out of the ugly communication.
Then you can focus on the next step – de-escalating the situation.
Hint: avoid phrases like “just calm down” or “you are overreacting.”
These are like pouring gasoline on a fire.
Typically, people want to feel heard and understood. To have their feelings acknowledged.
This is true in a personal setting or a work setting.
Some examples of what that could sound like include:
- “I can understand your frustration.”
- “Under the same circumstances, I would be frustrated too.”
- “I hear you. That sounds tough.”
- “I can see that this is very important to you.”
If needed, create some space.
Sometimes both people need a minute or two to regroup and calm down a bit. Sometimes this can be a mutual agreement:
- “Let’s pause for a minute so we can regroup and find the best way forward.”
Or it might be creating space for yourself:
- “Let me check and see what I can do. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
- “I need a moment. I will be back.”
- “This is a lot to process. I need a few minutes to digest what you’ve told me.”
Make sure you fully understand what caused the upset.
- “What I heard you say is_____. Did I understand you correctly? Did I miss anything?”
Then address the issue or the behavior to find resolution.
Here’s an example:
Working at a payroll company, the receptionist answers the phone and the customer on the other end of the line verbally explodes.
“My payroll is totally screwed up! There’s not enough to even cover the bills and that’s complete B***S***! You are completely incompetent, and you better fix this RIGHT NOW!”
*Deep Breath*
(especially when the person uses the word “you” when they mean the company, it makes the tirade feel like a personal attack, and much more likely to trigger you.)
“Wow! I can completely understand why you are upset. I would be too, under these circumstances. Absolutely we want to get to the bottom of what is wrong. I need to ask you a few questions to make sure I understand more completely so I can find the correct person to solve your issue. Is that ok?”
At this point the response is likely to be something like:
“Yes, of course I can give you more details. Thank you for understanding and helping me get this fixed. What do you need to know?”
Note that, at no point is there an admission of fault. The receptionist doesn’t have enough information, nor the expertise, to make that determination. But the customer’s feelings have been acknowledged and validated, and the receptionist has made it clear that they want to solve the problem. The receptionist doesn’t need all the details, and it’s better not to ask for too much information, especially as the person who will be able to resolve the issue will need to ask many of those questions as well – you don’t want to force the upset customer to repeat themselves multiple times, as that will likely result in the upset returning. Just the company/customer name and which payroll the problem is in.
Remember:
- Breathe
- Listen
- Acknowledge
- Resolve
Ugly communication happens, and it sucks.
And…most of the time it is recoverable.
You can do this – and I’m here to help if you need support.
