Grudges, Grumblings, Avoidance and Sticking Your Head in the Sand.
Communication is impacted by our emotional state and that of the other person or people involved.
If you are upset with the person you are communicating with, it is almost impossible to sound neutral or positive (it just sounds forced and fake).
If you can’t find a way to work through the upset, or just let it go, it likely will turn into resentment and sometimes a grudge. Avoiding it won’t make it go away.
Partly grudges are a way to be right.
Being right feels good. You get to feel self-righteous.
You can wrap that feeling around you like a mix of a warm blanket and a shield.
But what’s the cost?
It will flavor every interaction, every communication, and ultimately damage the relationship and drain your energy.
Holding grudges is related to apologies.
Often, if you are hurt or upset by someone you expect an apology. The expectation is that they know they have upset you and thus know they should apologize.
But what if they don’t know? They don’t realize they’ve hurt or upset you?
More often than not, people do not intentionally set out to hurt others or cause upset (yes, there are exceptions). And if they didn’t hurt you on purpose, they may have no idea that they hurt you.
They may notice that you are upset and have no idea why… or they might not notice until you ‘bite their head off’ for something small and unrelated.
Instead of feeling hurt and waiting for the other person to say something, ask for an apology. Help them understand what they did or said that hurt you, and why it was upsetting.
Do the work to strengthen the relationship instead of writing people off.
If you want to effectively communicate and have a productive relationship in the future, you need to figure out how to release/let go of hurt and upset instead of holding grudges.
Sometimes the best way to do that is to talk about it and work through it.
But sometimes it may be a relatively small thing. Maybe it’s not worth discussing.
What if instead you make your point and move on?
Maybe you just decide keeping all the anger, hurt and resentment all bottled up only hurts you (and it does), so you choose to feel the feelings and then release them so you can focus on what serves you.
You let it ‘roll off you.’
Instead of nursing a grudge, what if you had an appreciation jar (or journal). A place to go to remind yourself of all the positive things you have or have done, the nice things people share with you about who you are to them and how you’ve positively impacted them in some way.
A reminder that you matter.
You get to choose the energy you want to live in – heavy or light.
And I guarantee, if you choose the light energy, you will be happier, people around you will be happier, work will be easier, relationships will be smoother.
This isn’t about tolerating bad behavior in your life.
One-offs happen and should be addressed or brushed off. But repetitive bad actors should be given boundaries to protect yourself emotionally – and when necessary, some relationships should not continue.
And on the other side of the equation, be willing to listen when someone says what you said or did is hurtful or upsetting. It may not make sense to you, but it’s real for them. Acknowledge and honor that, and apologize.
If your joke hurts someone you care about, how much do you care?
You don’t have to change, but you do have to choose – how do you want to show up?
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