When someone feels cornered, like they have no way out, they will often panic or attack. The way to build safety into a conversation, especially when there’s a power imbalance (perceived or real), is for the person with the greater perceived power to build in an escape hatch.
An Escape Hatch?!? What in the world do I mean by that?
I touched on this briefly in my blog about lies when talking about the ‘knee-jerk’ lie. (if you haven’t read that one yet, be sure and check it out. https://lionesscommunication.com/uncategorized/all-the-lies-we-tell/
When someone doesn’t think it’s OK to say no, they will often say what they think the other person wants to hear, even if it’s a lie. They immediately think – “oh no…I didn’t mean that!” – but it’s too late, they can’t un-speak the words.
It’s a protective, survival mechanism.
The way to help people not panic when they instinctively say ‘yes’ to things they shouldn’t, is to preemptively give them an Escape Hatch…. a way out.
This works at home or in the office.
I was talking with a colleague who described her daughter getting a “freaking out” look on her face after she agreed to do a task that her mother had asked of her. She said ‘yes’ and then realized she really didn’t have the capacity to do what her mom was requesting.
Mom can help alleviate that panicked feeling by making it clear that it’s okay for her daughter to check her schedule before agreeing, to let her mom know she needs a moment to think about it, or double check what she’s already said yes to before answering.
And it is also okay to let her mom know when she reflexively said yes when she should have said no.
“Hey, Mom, when I said I would do that task for you, I forgot I have a deadline that conflicts. I need to finish this task before I can do your task. Will that still work for you?”
In the workplace, proactively creating those escape hatches is especially needed when so many have a history of not being allowed to say no, ask for space to decide, ask for clarification or resources, change their mind, or make mistakes.
One version might be ‘permission’ to say no.
This may seem basic and a bit silly, but if someone historically or culturally has been conditioned never to say no, they are more likely to say yes when they don’t mean it or just avoid responding, and then their work will suffer. For some people, no may feel like a potential for conflict or something that will get them in trouble – and they want to avoid that at all costs.
An example that a client brought to me was employees not giving a clear yes or no answer when their supervisor called needing to find shift coverage last minute. They would say maybe, or let me check my schedule and get back to you,…and then never give a straight answer.
This left my client in the dreaded limbo – no clear way forward and no resolution.
The solution was to set clear expectations and giving permission in advance.
My client got to paint them a picture, so to speak:
“When I call the conversation will be brief and to the point in the interests of time – that does not mean I am unhappy with you. While I would love a ‘yes’ answer (because then I can return to my original tasks for the day), ‘no’ is a useful and valid answer – you won’t be in trouble, and the I can move on and call the next person.”
Having clear expectations and permission to say no, the supervisor created an escape hatch – the employees don’t need to panic and stress about how to avoid being in trouble.
Think about situations you’ve encountered where your brain went into “panic mode,” or when you have seen that panicked look or response in someone else. What might have helped in that moment?
Consider these things:
- What makes someone feel cornered?
- Is there an area where there is a power imbalance?
- How can you create trust and safety for course corrections as they come up?
- Do you and your team foster trust and allow for disagreement and discussion?
How can you create Escape Hatches?
