Finding common ground is a foundational piece of effective communication. Without it, it can be hard to move forward. This is especially true when speaking different languages, which I have had the privilege to both observe and be a part of – sometimes it’s done well, and other times not so much.
I love the way South Africans approach a conversation. S. Africa has 11 national languages, 9 of which are tribal languages. During one visit, I asked my guide how they know which language to speak. His answer was simple and logical: Person A leads with their primary language. If person B knows it, they respond in the same language. If person B does not know it, they respond with their primary language. They go back and forth until they find a language they both know.
Clean, simple, straightforward, and effective.
Wouldn’t it be great if we approached all communication this way?
Unfortunately, it is often not this straightforward.
One of the ways to find common ground is by listening to understand (not just to respond). Set aside your thoughts on what you think someone is likely to say, what you think they should say, or how you want them to respond. Instead, listen with the goal of understanding where they are coming from, their ideas, their perspectives, their experiences….their language.
When communicating in a different language, sometimes the meaning isn’t clear the first time you say something. A word may have more than one meaning depending on context, or there’s a slang expression that doesn’t translate, or you don’t know the word you want to use in the other language. As a result, you might need to try saying it a slightly different way, possibly more than once, until they hear what you actually mean.
This is true even when it you are technically speaking the same language. Often, how you use a word, what it means to you, or the significance you attach to a word or phrase is different than for the person you are speaking with. This can result in misunderstandings and upsets unless you stay curious and pay attention.
If you say something and the other person looks confused or gets upset, get curious. Check in, let them know you think something you said didn’t land the way you intended it to. If they seem upset, let them know that was not your intention. Ask what they heard in what you said.
If you are having a conversation around a potentially volatile subject (politics for instance), staying curious helps you find the common ground. Try not to assume or judge. When someone shares a belief or opinion, ask them what led them to that belief. Maybe you won’t agree, but you’ll understand how they came to their conclusion and learn why it matters to them. That gives you insight into the person: what they care about, what sources they rely on for gathering information, how they draw conclusions. If there’s information that informs your opinion on the subject that they didn’t mention, you could share it. Be sure to include curiosity in your body language and vocal tone, otherwise they might hear sarcasm or condescension – guaranteed argument provokers. “Interesting, I hadn’t considered that. (This information) led me to (my opinion). While I can appreciate where you are coming from, I feel like it doesn’t address X issue. What are your thoughts around X?”
Hopefully you will be able to find an area where you are in agreement, maybe more than one area. Then you have created the common ground and planted seeds for further thought and possibly discussion in the areas where you may not agree. Let those percolate. It’s not about changing their mind, especially not in the moment. If someone holds a strongly held belief or opinion it is unlikely that you will change their mind in a single conversation. But if you show that you listen, can be open and not jump to judgement, and have a real conversation, perhaps there may be change down the road.
And if not, well sometimes we must agree to disagree. Or walk away from a negotiation or a relationship because they are truly not a fit for who we are and what we value.
But being able to have a connected conversation and finding common ground will help prevent you from walking away from those relationships and situations because of a misunderstanding.
May your conversations be clear and productive. If you want help for improving you communication, that’s what I do. Schedule a Complimentary Consultation to see how I can support you.
