“Sorry”…. It walks the line between overused and not used enough.
The dictionary definition of Sorry is: Feeling regret or penitence; used as an expression of apology. (adjective)
So what is the definition of Apology? A regretful acknowledgment of an offense or failure. (Noun) When you apologize, it is the action of expressing regret for something done or said.
We often think of “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” as completely synonymous and totally interchangeable…and sometimes they are; but not always. Part of that stems from different ways “sorry” gets used and interpreted.
I think we often weave power dynamics into the word “Sorry.” Some people and cultures may associate saying sorry with being ‘weaker’ or “losing face.”
“Sorry” can also be interpreted as admitting guilt or fault, being ‘in the wrong.’ I remember being told if I was ever in a car accident not to say “I’m sorry” ever. Not “I’m sorry you are hurt.” Not “I’m sorry your car is damaged.” Not “I’m sorry our day took this time-consuming, potentially expensive turn.” Because the insurance company will use that as evidence of fault and an excuse not to pay.
In this context, a situation I encountered a while back makes more sense:
A colleague had upset a co-worker and was expected to apologize. The challenge he was facing was that, although he had not intended to cause hurt feelings, he felt that what he said was not wrong and believed that saying “I’m sorry” implied that he was admitting he was wrong about what he said.
I suggested that he could apologize for hurting the other person’s feelings and upsetting them, without being sorry for what he said. Apologizing for the tone of the delivery and the unintended outcome, but not for the content of what was said. Using “I apologize” instead of “I’m sorry” allowed my colleague to stay in integrity (not being seen as wrong when he firmly believed he was not) while expressing contrition for accidentally upsetting a co-worker, thus repairing a relationship.
I think this distinction is why many damaged relationships seem so hard to repair. We are not sorry for the meaning of the words, even when we are sorry for the hurt caused by how they were delivered. But because we don’t have the skills or awareness to make that distinction, the apology never happens and hurt feelings grow and fester, which can often break a relationship.
And then there are the cultural gender conditionings around saying “Sorry.” Women are often ‘taught’ by society to not ‘rock the boat,’ so they say “I’m Sorry” to deflect confrontation.
I’m sorry I’m late. Instead use Thank you for waiting.
Sorry to bother you. Instead use Is now a good time?
I’m sorry if I’m confused Instead use Can you clarify X for me?
And, of course, there’s the passive-aggressive use of “Sorry”…
“Sorry…Not Sorry.”
“Sorry” in a sarcastic and condescending tone. (Add eye-roll for extra snark)
“Sorry” said under the breath because you don’t really mean it, but just loud enough (and snarky enough) to try and provoke a guilty or angry response – then you can shift the focus to the person’s emotional response and make them wrong.
In summary:
- Use clear, direct, and respectful communication.
- If you cause unintentional harm, sincerely apologize for the harm caused and clarify your intentions.
- If appropriate, clarify what caused the hurt so you can avoid doing it again in the future.
- Don’t use ‘sorry’ to avoid conflict…or create conflict.
And if you want help with any of this – schedule a Complimentary Consultation call so we can discuss how I can help.
