A New Year often brings new resolutions.
It is also the recovery time from all the holidays. And sometimes a recovery from the drama that shows up at holiday gatherings….family squabbles, work parties that got a little out of hand, friendsgivings that cooled friendships.
Typical New Year’s Resolutions are about building new habits… weight loss, diet and exercise, money goals, etc.
Another kind of resolution is about personal growth and development; how you want to shift and improve yourself.
This is the type of resolution where I want to offer you a new possibility. Here’s my suggestion for a growth resolution for you:
Choose one relationship in your life that you want to improve and set a goal for how you can show up differently.
What do I mean by that, you ask?
There might be someone that immediately comes to mind when you think of where you have a strained relationship: boss, co-worker, sibling, parent, in-law, friend, etc. If so, what would you like to see improve in your relationship with that person? What kind of relationship would you like to have instead? Why?
You might think of someone that you used to spend more time with but haven’t connected in a while. Why is that? Is it simply that life got busy and suddenly months had gone by? Or is there some tension involved? Can you reach out and invite them to get together? Can you request and schedule regular ‘dates’ – coffee, lunch, drinks, brunch? What fits in both your schedules – weekly, monthly, quarterly?
There might be a someone you’d like to get to know better: co-worker, acquaintance, colleague, in-law, etc. What makes you want to get to know them more? How can you create that?
Now, if you are like me and have trouble choosing JUST ONE – don’t worry, as you start shifting one relationship, the practices and awareness that you create will spread to other areas of your life and other relationships. Growth in one area leads to growth in others, and all communication skills are transferable!
Once you have a person in mind, a vision for what the improved relationship would look like, and why it’s important to you –
Figure out the actions YOU can take to improve the relationship.
Here are some ideas to get your thought process started:
Pay attention to how you start a conversation: if you get a negative or defensive response from the same person almost every time, what could you change about your approach than might get a different result?
Example:
I had a client who started conversations with her son by asking ‘I care About You’ questions: “How are you? How’s work? How are your kids?”
Her son often got very defensive and angry almost immediately.
When she changed her conversation starters to acknowledging statements like “It’s great to see you,” or “You have such great kids,” the defensiveness stopped.
It turns out he seemed to think his life choices were a disappointment to his mom and that he had to defend them. When conversations stopped feeling like an inquisition and became acknowledgement, they had great conversations. They dramatically improved their relationship.
If you have a friendship that seems to have grown distant: could you pick up the phone and tell that person how much their friendship means to you, and share that you feel you haven’t felt as close lately? Maybe ask them if there’s something that happened that you aren’t aware of.
If they share that something you did (or didn’t) do or say that hurt their feelings:
- Apologize.
- Thank them for letting you know.
- Ask how you can make things right.
Hint: for this to be effective, you need to be genuine and not get defensive.
Notice if your default mode at work is to point out what won’t work with an idea: Try acknowledging the creativity of new ideas, share what you see in the idea that is good before sharing your concerns.
While there is value in finding flaws in an idea before too much energy is put into it, if you don’t ever share that you think the ideas have value, people stop sharing ideas – no one likes to always have their ideas shot down.
If you have a spouse or significant other that complains that you don’t feel close anymore: Listen for why they think that (what words to they use) or ask them why they think that.
- Maybe it’s that you used to do fun activities together or have ‘date nights’ every Friday. Can you bring that back?
- Maybe it’s that you never cuddle anymore, and they miss the connected feeling that gives them. Is there something in your routine that can be adjusted to make space for that?
- Maybe it’s that you used to bring them coffee every morning and you stopped doing that.
- Maybe you used to tuck cute little love notes in their lunch when they went to work and you stopped.
- Maybe you used to randomly bring them flowers or simple gifts to let them know you were thinking of them and haven’t in months.
How can you recreate the closeness they crave?
NOTE – building any new pattern or habit can take practice.
If you have been starting a conversation with someone the same way for years, it will take awareness to choose a new way. You may forget sometimes. It may take trying a couple of different new approaches to find one that is received well by the other person.
If you have been seen as the ‘Negative Nellie,’ they may wonder or even question why you have suddenly changed your behavior pattern – it’s okay to let them know you are working on yourself because you value the relationship. When it fits, you could invite them to partner with you in changing your patterns. They might say things like:
“Hey, I have a new idea! I’d love to hear what you like about it!”
or
“I value your ability to anticipate potential problems, but can you start with what you like about my idea?”
In case you hadn’t noticed, these all involve better communication: asking questions, listening well, acknowledging others, accepting feedback and adjusting accordingly.
You can do this!
And most of the time, when you make positive changes, others do as well.
And if you want to practice this, and want support in your growth, that’s what I’m here for. Schedule your complimentary consultation now so we can discuss how you can start the year off strong.
