Upsets… no one likes them, but they seem unavoidable.
So, what causes upsets in the first place?
Most often, upsets are caused by expectations not being met or having expectations thwarted for some reason.
You might think, if it’s only a matter of meeting expectations, that should be easy to fix.
In theory, you are correct – it is a relatively simple fix… but it is all too often easier said than done.
The first step is awareness that expectations may not match up. We all come from different place, different ideas of what is acceptable or normal, and varying definitions of what is respectful versus disrespectful.
Let’s use a common area of upset to illustrate this. Here are some examples of expectations around ‘being on time’:
- Early is on time, on-time is late, and late is unacceptable.
- Arriving on-the-dot of the agreed upon time.
- Within a 5-to-10 minute window on either side of the agreed upon time is acceptable.
- ‘Island Time’ – times are suggestions, and rushing isn’t a thing.
As you can imagine, if two people agree to meet and one is “early is on time” and the other is “Island Time,” it is very likely that “Early” will be upset with “Island.”
And sometimes which version applies depends on the situation. Someone might be very punctual for a business meeting but likes to be able to go-with-the-flow more on the weekends.
The second piece is understanding that a story or meaning has been attached to the expectation. Expectations without the meaning hold little to no energetic or emotional charge. “Late” doesn’t really exist in “Island Time.”
There is a belief attached to the expectation. Around time, that belief often centers around respect and feeling valued. You might hear something like:
“My time is valuable;” “They don’t respect me;” “They are so disrespectful!”
This is the meaning or belief that someone has assigned to ‘being late.’
The third step is managing expectations.
Clearly state what your definition or expectation looks like from the very beginning.
Sometimes this can be done in advance.
For example:
“We have a team meeting at 9am sharp. If you want to take advantage of the provided coffee and pastries, we recommend arriving 10-15 minutes early. We need everyone to be in their seats ready to go by 9am on-the-dot as we have a lot to cover.”
OR
“We will meet you in the parking lot at the park at 10:30a. We need to get a prompt start as we have a lunch appointment right afterward. If you are running late, please text us – we will start down our usual path promptly and you can catch up.”
Now, you may be thinking “I don’t always know if our expectations are different.”
Good point! Often you don’t know in advance.
Then it’s about calm, clear communication.
- Inquire about what they thought you had agreed to or what their expectation was based on your conversation.
- Let the other person know what didn’t work for you.
For our examples:
“I noticed you were about 10 minutes late to the staff meeting this morning. What happened?”
“I got a late start and traffic was miserable this morning.”
“I know traffic can be nasty, however for these meetings we really need everyone here on-time. On the days we have these all-staff meetings, I need you to build in a buffer to allow for traffic and the time it takes to park, get settled and seated by the start time. If there are any other considerations, let’s talk about how we can help you arrive promptly.”
OR
“Hey, I thought we agreed to meet at 10:30am. What happened?”
“Oh, I figured it’s the weekend and we are meeting in a park. It’s a beautiful setting, outside in the fresh air. And besides, it’s the weekend, so it’s more go-with-the-flow.”
“Ahh… I get that. For future reference, I grew up in a family that was always late, and it drove me nuts. I really value being on time, and even a few minutes late gets to me, even on the weekend. I know this isn’t the same for everyone, but I would really appreciate it if you could arrive at the time we agree upon. If you like a later start on the weekends, maybe we could plan a later start time.”
If you have trouble being calm in the moment, then stay civil and talk about it in the near future, when you are calm. But do have a conversation around it fairly soon after the upset occurs. Otherwise, you end up with an unspoken agreement that the behavior is acceptable.
A best practice to address the unmet expectation as soon as possible, and definitely before the next situation where the expectation is likely to be unmet. This should also be done 1-on-1 and privately, not in front of a group.
A rule of thumb is that when a behavior is repeated 3 times with no correction, an Unspoken Agreement is created that the behavior is acceptable.
